So, even though we were trying to get pregnant, I have to admit some days? I'm a little bit terrified.
For several reasons.
First of all, I recall the newborn period very, very well. I remember feeling like a crazy person because of the hormones. I remember being tired. I remember being overwhelmed...which I think was mostly due to having a baby for the first time ever, and not really knowing what we were doing.
Secondly, I am terrified that this baby is a girl. I know that it sounds horrible, but I have this huge fear that if I have a daughter, she'll end up just like me. I have never had much confidence...never had much self esteem. My mom comes from a culture where shame and guilt are prevalent, and I was told my whole life how I'd be so pretty if I just lost weight. How my mom's friends had such beautiful daughters because they were thin. I can't blame my mother, because I know this is just the culture she grew up in, but it really runs deep for me. I don't want to unintentionally instill that in my own hypothetical daughter.
I really think it's mostly the second part that has me so afraid. I'm afraid that a daughter wouldn't receive everything she needed from me. And then I feel like a complete failure, even though I don't even HAVE a daughter and I haven't failed her, lol.
I'm being irrational, I know. My prayer now is that God will give me peace, no matter what the gender of this baby. Of course I will love a daughter and do the best I can to instill everything my parents did not. Though I still would love another little boy, I will be just fine if it's a girl. I wouldn't have been able to say that last week! Progress. =)
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Lisa, do you remember me posting about this exact thing on p.com? Only I was terrified I'd cry on the ultrasound table if they told me I was having another boy, not because I didn't want another little boy but I wanted that girl so badly. I felt so disappointed in myself for feeling that way, I really would have been happy either way, but those mommy hormones make us feel all kinds of crazy! I got my girl and she was a nightmare for a year! lol You will be just fine, no matter what you have, but please don't feel guilty for those feelings....they are totally normal. My dad is 1 of 4 boys, yes grandma was going for that girl, and she did cry when my uncle was born because it was another boy!
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